What do you do when your heart tells you one thing, your mind tells you another, and there's no definitive direction in The Word?
We got the call yesterday that Bug is slated for five doctor appointments at The Autism Center to see if we can get a more specific diagnosis. But what's the point? Are they going to tell us anything we don't already know. Are they going to show us something that four years of therapy hasn't tried? Does sticking a label on her file make day-to-day life any easier?
We have yet another new therapist, and life is hard for everyone right now. She cannot handle having one more person try to direct her steps, and we are all paying for it in emotional upheaval. Is it worth this? How do you know the therapy will be worth it rather than the instrument that drives her heart further and further away?
Our hearts tell us firm discipline (guidance) and a whole lot of hugs is what she really needs, and we need to get all the doctors and therapists out of the picture. Oh, but our minds plague us. They remind us of the circumstances under which she came to be our daughter, circumstances that dealt with bio-parents not doing what the state felt needed to be done. Would that be us if we followed our hearts and did what we felt was right for our baby? Do we run the risk of losing her by trying to keep her heart at home?
We have no answers, only more questions. We want to be the parents our children need us to be, and I for one, am in such turmoil about just what that is that I am nearly paralyzed with the fear of doing it wrong.
I know that God gave us these children, and that He felt we would be the best parents for them, and they the best kiddos for us, but how does that play out when the pressure from without is so strangling at times?
Would you pray with us? Would you pray that our hearts would be calm and our decisions would be wise?
April, I know that no words given by us humans can make you feel any better during these times. But I share with you in the pain of feeling torn between "The Medical Expert Advice" and the "mommy feeling advice." I know how they say things that make you feel like what you want to do is wrong, how it makes you question your own gut and that you MUST do what they say, even when it feels wrong. Don't let it! You spend 24/7 with your children and know them better than anyone else. I don't care if your Bio or Adopted, you are MOM. You have 1 main job as mom, fight for your child, at all costs. You have learned by now how to "play" the system, say the right things and do the right things to to the specialists, testing, evaluations, therapies, etc. that you wanted. It takes twice as long to get the referrals to the specialists you wanted in the beginning because they wanted the others first and so forth. But keep the fight, it is draining, frustrating and a pain to deal with, but in the end... playing the game gets you what YOU KNEW all along.
ReplyDeleteI'll pray for you, I'll cry with you on those bad days. I've been there, and sorry to say... even at 11 years, I am still playing the game myself right along with you. It doesn't get any easier, but you get better at the game.
Hugs my friend, take each day and make the most of the good things. God has you in His hands and He has a plan.
Thank you for the encouragement, Beth.
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