Monday, December 15, 2014
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Prayer Update
Just because I don't blog doesn't mean the study doesn't continue. I love when God places things that I'm concerned about in the forefront of everyone else's conversation. I've heard great things about prayer and answers to prayer all week, from radio programs, to Sunday's sermon and small group lesson, to personal testimony. God is just awesome that way!
Right now I'm praying for a sweet little girl who's having a rough time of it and being grateful for answered prayers.
Right now I'm praying for a sweet little girl who's having a rough time of it and being grateful for answered prayers.
Monday, May 19, 2014
Confession Time
Confession Time
My biggest struggle internally is with prayer. People ask me to pray for them, and I do, but what does that mean? I feel like I'm just going through the motions. What is prayer really? I would tell my children that it's talking to God. Yet, I've rarely felt like it was much of a conversation. Usually, it's a list of thank You-s, forgive me-s, and could You please help that person-s. It's rote. It's expected. It's sincere, but it's flat.
I have read many passages dealing with prayer. I've heard many sermons outlining the portions of The Lord's Prayer or admonishing Christians to pray more, but I still don't understand my part in prayer. If it's to align me to God's will then, I suppose I'm practically there. If it's His will, it will or won't happen, and there's not a lot I can do about it, so I guess I'll just keep trudging along. I know in my heart this can't be what He wants from me, but I struggle with how to move from this position.
Many have suggested that if I want Bear or Bug to "get better," I need to pray believing that God will do it, perhaps suggesting that if I just had enough faith, I could change these circumstances. But who am I to say that this isn't exactly what God had in mind, that through these very circumstances, we would all become whom He had in mind for us to be. That's the rub of it. There seems to be a belief that God is like a genie in a bottle waiting to grant wishes if we only believe enough, if we only pray enough, or there is the other extreme which says there is no point in prayer because God will do what God will do, and we will be blessed by it either way.
How do I move to a point where I feel like I'm really conversing with a friend? Read your Bible more, April. Pray more, April. I know these wrote answers, but what does that really mean?
I can't be the only one who struggles with this. If you'd like to join me, I'm about to embark on a search for the meaning of prayer and my role in it.
Today, I started in Genesis looking at why people prayed. Here are few of the passages from the first three books of the Old Testament.
I'm not done yet, and I plan to study and pray more as I go.
My biggest struggle internally is with prayer. People ask me to pray for them, and I do, but what does that mean? I feel like I'm just going through the motions. What is prayer really? I would tell my children that it's talking to God. Yet, I've rarely felt like it was much of a conversation. Usually, it's a list of thank You-s, forgive me-s, and could You please help that person-s. It's rote. It's expected. It's sincere, but it's flat.
I have read many passages dealing with prayer. I've heard many sermons outlining the portions of The Lord's Prayer or admonishing Christians to pray more, but I still don't understand my part in prayer. If it's to align me to God's will then, I suppose I'm practically there. If it's His will, it will or won't happen, and there's not a lot I can do about it, so I guess I'll just keep trudging along. I know in my heart this can't be what He wants from me, but I struggle with how to move from this position.
Many have suggested that if I want Bear or Bug to "get better," I need to pray believing that God will do it, perhaps suggesting that if I just had enough faith, I could change these circumstances. But who am I to say that this isn't exactly what God had in mind, that through these very circumstances, we would all become whom He had in mind for us to be. That's the rub of it. There seems to be a belief that God is like a genie in a bottle waiting to grant wishes if we only believe enough, if we only pray enough, or there is the other extreme which says there is no point in prayer because God will do what God will do, and we will be blessed by it either way.
How do I move to a point where I feel like I'm really conversing with a friend? Read your Bible more, April. Pray more, April. I know these wrote answers, but what does that really mean?
I can't be the only one who struggles with this. If you'd like to join me, I'm about to embark on a search for the meaning of prayer and my role in it.
Today, I started in Genesis looking at why people prayed. Here are few of the passages from the first three books of the Old Testament.
- For Healing (Genesis 20:7, 17-18, Numbers 12:13)
- For Deliverance (Genesis 32:9-12)
- To Remind God of His Promises (Genesis 32:9-12, Exodus 34:9)
- For Forgiveness (Exodus 32:31-34, 34:9)
- For Guidance (Exodus 33:13-17, 34:9)
- To Know God More (Exodus 33:13-17)
I'm not done yet, and I plan to study and pray more as I go.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Gratitude
It occurred to me last night that I usually write on this blog when I am burdened by something, and they have taken on a bit of a negative outlook. I really don't like that this is who I've let myself become. I used to be the one people asked, "Why are you always smiling?" Now it's more like, "Is everything okay?" This has to stop. It's not that I want to be fake, or that I'm going to gloss over everything, but when was the last time I talked about the good things in life?
Yesterday was a pretty good day for us. Bug woke up and had a shower first thing. She's a sensory seeker, so all that input starts her day off right. Bubba followed up with lots of Mommy cuddles, and Bear had a grin, rather than a scowl on her face when she joined us.
There was a little bit of a fight over breakfast, but it only lasted five minutes, not too bad.
Bug didn't look like she was feeling well, so she spent most of her morning, relaxing in bed. Bear ended up throwing up right after breakfast, but J was with her and I didn't have to participate in the clean up. I just got to snuggle with her afterwards. Bubba was kind and caring as usual and helped his sisters throughout the day.
Lunch time brought more struggles from the one who is pushing so hard right now, and they lasted quite a bit longer, but Mama never lost her cool - victory.
With the weather coming in, we had some prep work that we needed to do last night, and the munchkins all watched The Incredibles together. I only needed to ask if the movie needed to be stopped once, a record for our clan.
So, this is where I am today. I'm grateful for Bubba snuggles and the stories he tells at meals. I'm grateful that Bug wants to do everything Mama does. I'm grateful that Bear wants to climb all over me and smell my hair constantly. Today I am grateful.
"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:27
Yesterday was a pretty good day for us. Bug woke up and had a shower first thing. She's a sensory seeker, so all that input starts her day off right. Bubba followed up with lots of Mommy cuddles, and Bear had a grin, rather than a scowl on her face when she joined us.
There was a little bit of a fight over breakfast, but it only lasted five minutes, not too bad.
Bug didn't look like she was feeling well, so she spent most of her morning, relaxing in bed. Bear ended up throwing up right after breakfast, but J was with her and I didn't have to participate in the clean up. I just got to snuggle with her afterwards. Bubba was kind and caring as usual and helped his sisters throughout the day.
Lunch time brought more struggles from the one who is pushing so hard right now, and they lasted quite a bit longer, but Mama never lost her cool - victory.
With the weather coming in, we had some prep work that we needed to do last night, and the munchkins all watched The Incredibles together. I only needed to ask if the movie needed to be stopped once, a record for our clan.
So, this is where I am today. I'm grateful for Bubba snuggles and the stories he tells at meals. I'm grateful that Bug wants to do everything Mama does. I'm grateful that Bear wants to climb all over me and smell my hair constantly. Today I am grateful.
"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:27
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
What to Do
What do you do when your heart tells you one thing, your mind tells you another, and there's no definitive direction in The Word?
We got the call yesterday that Bug is slated for five doctor appointments at The Autism Center to see if we can get a more specific diagnosis. But what's the point? Are they going to tell us anything we don't already know. Are they going to show us something that four years of therapy hasn't tried? Does sticking a label on her file make day-to-day life any easier?
We have yet another new therapist, and life is hard for everyone right now. She cannot handle having one more person try to direct her steps, and we are all paying for it in emotional upheaval. Is it worth this? How do you know the therapy will be worth it rather than the instrument that drives her heart further and further away?
Our hearts tell us firm discipline (guidance) and a whole lot of hugs is what she really needs, and we need to get all the doctors and therapists out of the picture. Oh, but our minds plague us. They remind us of the circumstances under which she came to be our daughter, circumstances that dealt with bio-parents not doing what the state felt needed to be done. Would that be us if we followed our hearts and did what we felt was right for our baby? Do we run the risk of losing her by trying to keep her heart at home?
We have no answers, only more questions. We want to be the parents our children need us to be, and I for one, am in such turmoil about just what that is that I am nearly paralyzed with the fear of doing it wrong.
I know that God gave us these children, and that He felt we would be the best parents for them, and they the best kiddos for us, but how does that play out when the pressure from without is so strangling at times?
Would you pray with us? Would you pray that our hearts would be calm and our decisions would be wise?
We got the call yesterday that Bug is slated for five doctor appointments at The Autism Center to see if we can get a more specific diagnosis. But what's the point? Are they going to tell us anything we don't already know. Are they going to show us something that four years of therapy hasn't tried? Does sticking a label on her file make day-to-day life any easier?
We have yet another new therapist, and life is hard for everyone right now. She cannot handle having one more person try to direct her steps, and we are all paying for it in emotional upheaval. Is it worth this? How do you know the therapy will be worth it rather than the instrument that drives her heart further and further away?
Our hearts tell us firm discipline (guidance) and a whole lot of hugs is what she really needs, and we need to get all the doctors and therapists out of the picture. Oh, but our minds plague us. They remind us of the circumstances under which she came to be our daughter, circumstances that dealt with bio-parents not doing what the state felt needed to be done. Would that be us if we followed our hearts and did what we felt was right for our baby? Do we run the risk of losing her by trying to keep her heart at home?
We have no answers, only more questions. We want to be the parents our children need us to be, and I for one, am in such turmoil about just what that is that I am nearly paralyzed with the fear of doing it wrong.
I know that God gave us these children, and that He felt we would be the best parents for them, and they the best kiddos for us, but how does that play out when the pressure from without is so strangling at times?
Would you pray with us? Would you pray that our hearts would be calm and our decisions would be wise?
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
It's Been A While
The fall semester has ended and the new year has begun. Whew! It went by so fast. The girls each have ABA (applied behavioral analysis) therapy twice a week for three hours, and Bear attends SP (speech), OT (occupational therapy), and PT (physical therapy) sessions at the local school twice a week. Our only free day is Tuesday, and we use that day to go to the library or on field trips. It keeps us very, very busy. We are loving our new curriculum from My Father's World, and school is going well.
Why is it then that I feel so lost? Is it that both girls are officially on the autistic spectrum and learning to deal with all of that? No, I don't think so because we already knew about the issues; now we just have a label to go with them, a label that says, "See, it's not all in my imagination." Is it that we've been looking for a church for nearly six months? Not really. We miss regular fellowship with other believers, but our faith hasn't faltered. We're just in a time of waiting, trusting that our Heavenly Father knows exactly what it is that is best for our family and will lead us there.
I think this lost-ness comes from my relationship with my children. It is a difficult thing when one of your children's first reaction to any stressful situation is to hurt you, when you pour on love and try to be patient, and for all your effort you get a couple of great smiles and a whole lot of scratches and hair pulls. It's a difficult thing when another child speaks kindly to you only when she wants something from you. It's hard when this same child won't even do something she likes to do just because you were the one who suggested it, or when she balls up her fists at you or runs away and slams the door for simply being asked to get dressed in the morning. I constantly wonder how much of these negative behaviors are related to maturity issues vs. spectrum issues vs. heart issues.
The most difficult part of this is realizing that rather than being the calm, even-tempered mom you ought, you are the mom who yells at preschool-age children. You're the mom who just wants to be left alone. You're the mom who wants to send the children to bed right after dinner - every night. (You don't, but you want to.) Rather than being the mom you want to be, you're the mom you never wanted to be.
What is the answer? Is it time? Is it (more) prayer? Are we stuck in a never-ending pattern? Will it ever get easier?
Wow, this is not where I thought this update was heading when I started. The only thing that keeps coming to mind is Proverbs 31:26, "She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness." Maybe I just need to take a step back. Maybe I need to just let things go more. Maybe I need to ignore the bad behavior rather than feeding into it. Maybe...
Should I post this? Do I really want anyone to know how much I struggle? I know I'm not the first parent to struggle with their children, but usually people talk about frustrations with youth, not preschoolers. Like Paul, I want to do good but don't; I want to avoid evil, but I do it anyway. (Romans 7:18-19) What then is the answer? I think it is that I keep on keeping on. I keep trying to bless my children, I keep trying to keep my tongue under control, and I keep my eye on the prize - sharing the love of my Savior with my children so that one day they will claim Him for themselves.
Why is it then that I feel so lost? Is it that both girls are officially on the autistic spectrum and learning to deal with all of that? No, I don't think so because we already knew about the issues; now we just have a label to go with them, a label that says, "See, it's not all in my imagination." Is it that we've been looking for a church for nearly six months? Not really. We miss regular fellowship with other believers, but our faith hasn't faltered. We're just in a time of waiting, trusting that our Heavenly Father knows exactly what it is that is best for our family and will lead us there.
I think this lost-ness comes from my relationship with my children. It is a difficult thing when one of your children's first reaction to any stressful situation is to hurt you, when you pour on love and try to be patient, and for all your effort you get a couple of great smiles and a whole lot of scratches and hair pulls. It's a difficult thing when another child speaks kindly to you only when she wants something from you. It's hard when this same child won't even do something she likes to do just because you were the one who suggested it, or when she balls up her fists at you or runs away and slams the door for simply being asked to get dressed in the morning. I constantly wonder how much of these negative behaviors are related to maturity issues vs. spectrum issues vs. heart issues.
The most difficult part of this is realizing that rather than being the calm, even-tempered mom you ought, you are the mom who yells at preschool-age children. You're the mom who just wants to be left alone. You're the mom who wants to send the children to bed right after dinner - every night. (You don't, but you want to.) Rather than being the mom you want to be, you're the mom you never wanted to be.
What is the answer? Is it time? Is it (more) prayer? Are we stuck in a never-ending pattern? Will it ever get easier?
Wow, this is not where I thought this update was heading when I started. The only thing that keeps coming to mind is Proverbs 31:26, "She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness." Maybe I just need to take a step back. Maybe I need to just let things go more. Maybe I need to ignore the bad behavior rather than feeding into it. Maybe...
Should I post this? Do I really want anyone to know how much I struggle? I know I'm not the first parent to struggle with their children, but usually people talk about frustrations with youth, not preschoolers. Like Paul, I want to do good but don't; I want to avoid evil, but I do it anyway. (Romans 7:18-19) What then is the answer? I think it is that I keep on keeping on. I keep trying to bless my children, I keep trying to keep my tongue under control, and I keep my eye on the prize - sharing the love of my Savior with my children so that one day they will claim Him for themselves.
"Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus," (Philippians 3:13-14)
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