Why is it then that I feel so lost? Is it that both girls are officially on the autistic spectrum and learning to deal with all of that? No, I don't think so because we already knew about the issues; now we just have a label to go with them, a label that says, "See, it's not all in my imagination." Is it that we've been looking for a church for nearly six months? Not really. We miss regular fellowship with other believers, but our faith hasn't faltered. We're just in a time of waiting, trusting that our Heavenly Father knows exactly what it is that is best for our family and will lead us there.
I think this lost-ness comes from my relationship with my children. It is a difficult thing when one of your children's first reaction to any stressful situation is to hurt you, when you pour on love and try to be patient, and for all your effort you get a couple of great smiles and a whole lot of scratches and hair pulls. It's a difficult thing when another child speaks kindly to you only when she wants something from you. It's hard when this same child won't even do something she likes to do just because you were the one who suggested it, or when she balls up her fists at you or runs away and slams the door for simply being asked to get dressed in the morning. I constantly wonder how much of these negative behaviors are related to maturity issues vs. spectrum issues vs. heart issues.
The most difficult part of this is realizing that rather than being the calm, even-tempered mom you ought, you are the mom who yells at preschool-age children. You're the mom who just wants to be left alone. You're the mom who wants to send the children to bed right after dinner - every night. (You don't, but you want to.) Rather than being the mom you want to be, you're the mom you never wanted to be.
What is the answer? Is it time? Is it (more) prayer? Are we stuck in a never-ending pattern? Will it ever get easier?
Wow, this is not where I thought this update was heading when I started. The only thing that keeps coming to mind is Proverbs 31:26, "She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness." Maybe I just need to take a step back. Maybe I need to just let things go more. Maybe I need to ignore the bad behavior rather than feeding into it. Maybe...
Should I post this? Do I really want anyone to know how much I struggle? I know I'm not the first parent to struggle with their children, but usually people talk about frustrations with youth, not preschoolers. Like Paul, I want to do good but don't; I want to avoid evil, but I do it anyway. (Romans 7:18-19) What then is the answer? I think it is that I keep on keeping on. I keep trying to bless my children, I keep trying to keep my tongue under control, and I keep my eye on the prize - sharing the love of my Savior with my children so that one day they will claim Him for themselves.
"Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus," (Philippians 3:13-14)
