Helping Them Understand

When Bubba is tired, he sits, he lies down, he relaxes, not so for Bug and Bear.

When Bug is tired, she seeks out more and more stimulation until her brain is so "jazzed" that she is no longer in control of herself. Sometimes, it's a hard thing as a parent to force your child to take time to be quiet. She will scream and wail and throw things as you gently try to put her to bed. The blankets have to be applied in the right order with just the right amount of light and noise. You hear the pitiful cries, all the time knowing that this is what she needs, and you leave quickly before things escalate again. Usually, after twenty minutes or so of forced quiet, she is back to her happy self, almost unrecognizable from the person she was just a few minutes before. She has been this way since she was only a few months old. One of the biggest things we work with in therapy is getting her to recognize when she needs a break before the explosion occurs.

Bear becomes violent when tired. She scratches arms and faces and pulls hair when she needs a break. Bear has very few words, and her frustration usually comes out in a more physically aggressive way. Bear does not like to be laid down, or enjoy routine like Bug; rather she simply needs to be isolated from everyone else for a while. We put her in her room where she will play quietly for several minutes until she's ready to join the world again.

One of the main things I am learning as a special needs momma is how to help my girls recognize their own emotions. Self-control is a much harder lesson, when they cannot understand the effect their actions have on others in those moments of complete melt down.

I know God designed each of my babies in such a unique way. I am so privileged to be their momma and help them each find God's purpose in their lives even if it's just the little bitty things like helping them to understand that we all need rest.

Perspective

Sometimes, we all need a little perspective. You know how it is. We all have those days when the five-year-old can't seem to remember what you've told him for a nano second, the four-year-old is alternately screaming at the top of her lungs and crying every five minutes, and the baby keeps removing her diaper in order to be able to smear its contents around the room.

I don't know about you, but I can easily find myself having my own little pity party on those kinds of days. That's when it's important to have a little perspective. Sure Bubba is absent-minded, but he's so very caring towards his sisters. Bug's emotions can swing from end to end, but when she lands on happy, she wants to share it with the whole world. Hey, at least Bear is learning that she doesn't like a dirty diaper.

Recently, I've been learning perspective from a friend I have gotten to know a bit through the preschool weekly reading time at our local library. This dear sister in Christ is a shining example of how we should run to our Heavenly Father when things don't go the way we had planned. Denise is the mother to three young boys having previously lost her little girl to a debilitating disease. Her youngest son has undiagnosed (not for the lack of trying) mitochondrial disease and has been put on hospice at this time. Short of a miracle, her little boy may never be more than two years old.

She blogs regularly about the baby's condition (http://shaunsteyaert.blogspot.com/), and her posts are always full of praise for the gifts that God has bestowed upon her. Even in the days of grief, she is able to find solace in the knowledge that soon her boy will have eternal healing and will be walking, talking, and playing in heaven with Jesus.

This was the status she shared on Face book one January day.

"'Fear not for I am with you. Be not dismayed for I am your God, I will help you I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.'
~Almighty God, Isaiah 41:10
Thank you, God, for seeing us through our days, hard or easy, sad or happy. Thank you for knowing what is in our hearts even if we don't say it, forgiving our weaknesses and loving us the same. Thank You for hiding us under Your wing, holding ...us when we need comfort, and listening even when we are angry. Abba, Father, I love you and thank you for my storm. Refine me and our family so we may be what you designed us to be. Give me patience, wisdom and grace. Stay with me through it all, as I know You are, and may I honor You through the trial. Amen."

 

How many of us thank God FOR the storm? We always want a way to avoid the storm or to get out of it as fast as possible. I thank God for women like Denise, women who teach me more each day about completely and fully relying on the Creator of the Universe.

 

So, in those days when toddlers or teenagers are driving you crazy, would you join with me and grab onto a little perspective. Let's thank the Lord God for the gifts we have, and realize that sometimes the storm is just what we need.

 

It's Not Just Me

Sometimes, when your kiddo's special needs are social/emotional, it's hard for others to understand what you're going through. Bear's difficulties are more obvious, with medical explanations to accompany most of them, but it's not so for Bug.

Bug's anxiety issues leave her inflexible and controlling, a combination that easily can take over the atmosphere of a family. After a few rough incidents a couple of weekends ago, I spoke with her therapist about possible things we could do to help curb these behaviors. It was pretty interesting when the therapist told me that Bear was a much easier case for her. With her developmental delays, she's a pretty text-book case. However, Bug has her puzzled. She's just not exactly sure where we should start in order to help her. Sometimes it's nice to know that it's not just us, that we are not the only ones who see the daily struggles she has within herself and with the world around her.

This is the song that often runs through my head when I get a bit overwhelmed by our circumstances.

"One Day At A Time"
(Marijohn Wilkins/Kris Kristofferson)

Verse 1
I'm only human; I'm just a man(woman)
Help me believe in what I could be and all that I am
Show me the stairway
I have to climb
Lord for my sake
Teach me to take
One day at a time

Chorus
One day at a time, sweet Jesus
That's all I'm asking from you
Give me the strength to do everything that I have to do
Yesterday's gone sweet Jesus
And tomorrow may never be mine
Help me today
Show me the way
One day at a time.

Verse 2
Do you remember
When you walked among men
Jesus, you know when you're looking below
It's worse now than then
Pushin' and shovin' crowdin' my mind
Lord for my sake
Teach me to take
One day at a time                                 

Why We Homeschool

I am a professional educator by trade. I have taught in both public and private schools. The plan had always been to stay home with the children until they were old enough to go to school, and then, like millions of other families, we would send them off to our local public school, and I would go back to work. Then we met our children.

Bubba is gifted in mathematics and engineering, has a very tender heart, and loves to talk about Jesus, but he is wholly unmotivated in many other areas. He is also generally quiet and compliant. When we thought about his future school life, we saw him as that kiddo who never really gets noticed, but merely passes the time each day, unfocused and bringing home "good enough" grades.

Bug is gifted in language and seeing the big picture. She is very polite and loving, but she frequently does not recognize social cues, and her anxieties lead her to be very controlling. When we thought about her future school life, we saw her as the kiddo who spent most of her day traveling between the hall outside of her classroom and the principal's office.

Bear is a happy, social child, but her developmental delays left us wondering about the quality of education she would receive. We wanted more for her than just learning to hold her spoon or being labeled as part of the "baby class".

Then we began to consider homeschooling as a possible option. We prayed about it and discussed it for some time, while gradually beginning an at home routine that focused on preschool-like skills. We spoke with other homeschoolers and reviewed homeschooling laws, and finally decided to take the plunge.

We are only just completing our first homeschooling year, but it's been wonderful. In a world of everyone for themselves, my children are finding out that looking out for the other person is equally, if not more, important. We see the way Bubba uses his tender heart to focus Bug's anxiousness, and we know we made the right choice. We see the way both of her siblings praise each developmental step Bear takes, and we know we made the right choice. We see the way our children are learning to see God in all parts of their daily lives, and we know we made the right choice. I'm so glad we decided to allow God to change our plans and our hearts.

Stepping Down

Growing up, I often heard my mother say that people needed to just learn to say no because there's only so much you can do. Albeit unwittingly, my mother set the bar for busyness very high. She worked a full time job while caring for a husband and six children, played the piano for church, served on the PTO/PTA at the local elementary school, and frequently sought out what she could do for other people.

So, when I became the mom, it was only natural that I should be able to homeschool, lead Bible study, plan the music portion of the worship service, sing on the worship team, and volunteer to help out whenever and wherever I could. The only problem is that I'm not my mom. I'm not even remotely an even-tempered, go-with-the-flow kind of girl. More often than not, I see myself as a failed perfectionist, quite the conundrum, I assure you.

Several months ago, I spoke with a dear friend who also has adopted children, and during that conversation she told me how she and her husband had to step back from being involved in their church other than to attend services in order to focus on their eldest son. While I could appreciate her rationale, I truly didn't understand why it would be necessary, that is until recently.

For several months, I have known that our schedule was getting too hectic: four hours at church on Sundays including set-up and tear-down since we are part of a church plant that meets in a school, occupational and physical therapy for Bear on Tuesday mornings, library for Bubba and Bug on Tuesday mornings, Bible Study at our home on Tuesday evenings, AWANA at a sister church on Wednesday evenings, occupational therapy and speech for Bear on Thursday mornings, not to mention doctor appointments and the fact that both Bug and Bear now have ABA therapy three times a week at our home. However, I did not want to give up what I was doing. It's not like I was spending time scrapbooking or cross-stitching. I was doing things like planning worship services and preparing Bible studies. How can that be bad?

Then I looked at my children. My children, who were getting fussed at for not being still during the church service when they'd already been there nearly three hours. My children, whom I became aggrivated with each Tuesday afternoon because their toys were all over the house; didn't they know we had people coming over? My children who desperately wanted me to see the next level they had reached on their online reading program, but I was too busy making sure the music would flow with the scripture the pastor had chosen for his sermon. Then I looked at my children and remembered that "Children are an heritage from the Lord." (Psalm 127:3) Being a mom is not about being busy, even in church life. It's about raising children who learn to love God because that is what they have seen in you.

So, I'm stepping down. My hubby will still be helping with setup each Sunday, but the children and I will try to enjoy a nice snuggle before we head out to Sunday School. You'll still hear me singing songs of praise planned by someone else, but I'll be sitting with my children. In a couple of months, this Bible study will be over and the new one starting will be at someone else's home. For now, I need to just be a mom, a busy one to be sure, but one who is focusing inward on her family.

You know, I had a talk with my own mother the other night, and she very gently informed me that when we children were little, she was not so busy. She was just our mommy. Maybe I can be like my mom after all.