20 Facts about Little Ol' Me

1. I graduated from Judson High School.

2. I married my high school sweetheart.

3. We've been married 21 years and together for 24.

4. I have three children through both birth and adoption, two of which have special needs.

5. I am the oldest of six children.

6. I have been teaching in some form or another for 26 years.

7. I play both the clarinet and bass clarinet, though I haven't had much opportunity to play with a group in several years.

8. When choosing my academic specialization for my teaching degree, I choose math because it was the one thing I really had to work at in order to be successful.

9. I enjoy organizing things - once, and then I want them to stay that way.

10. I love to harmonize when singing.

11.  I only really make the bed when changing the sheets. The rest of the time I just throw the blankets up near the pillows.

12.  I have lived in Florida, Kansas, Colorado, Texas, Germany, and Virginia.

 

13. In the nine years it took me to get my BA, I attended three universities, one of them twice. 

14. My first public school teaching position was as a fourth grade teacher, and my own fourth grade teacher was on my team.

15. My hands have to stay busy in order for my brain to focus.

16. My favorite colors are pink, purple, and blue.

17. One day, I'd love to visit Australia.

18. My favorite season is fall. I love listening to the leaves crunch beneath my feet.

19.  My nephew has moved in so I'm getting a sneak peak at rearing a teenager.

 

20. I am really glad that this list is finally done.

 

 

Hello 2016

Well 2015 was a bit rough, apparently so much so that I just gave up blogging all together. I attended too many funerals for friends and family, and our home life got flipped upside down. But there were many good things, too, like new friendships and opportunities as well as the blessing of finally being able to sleep through the night, at least most of the time. :)

I saw this graphic on another blog and decided to borrow it to help jump start my brain. Of course, it probably won't happen exactly in that order. After all, I hold to the idea that menu and lesson planning are merely suggestions for that day, subject to change without prior notice or approval.



My blog usually deals with my day to day life - the good, the bad, and the ugly, and how the Lord is speaking to me about a particular subject. I tend to be very real and raw, but I have been told by many that it's what they like best about me.

My son brought this song to me yesterday when I was feeling particularly stressed out, so I will leave it here for all of you. May it bless you as it blessed me.

"King of Kings and Lord of Lords"
 

Christmas 2014

Merry Christmas from the Holmes Family

Prayer Update

Just because I don't blog doesn't mean the study doesn't continue. I love when God places things that I'm concerned about in the forefront of everyone else's conversation. I've heard great things about prayer and answers to prayer all week, from radio programs, to Sunday's sermon and small group lesson, to personal testimony. God is just awesome that way!

Right now I'm praying for a sweet little girl who's having a rough time of it and being grateful for answered prayers.

Confession Time

Confession Time

My biggest struggle internally is with prayer. People ask me to pray for them, and I do, but what does that mean? I feel like I'm just going through the motions. What is prayer really? I would tell my children that it's talking to God. Yet, I've rarely felt like it was much of a conversation. Usually, it's a list of thank You-s, forgive me-s, and could You please help that person-s. It's rote. It's expected. It's sincere, but it's flat.

I have read many passages dealing with prayer. I've heard many sermons outlining the portions of The Lord's Prayer or admonishing Christians to pray more, but I still don't understand my part in prayer. If it's to align me to God's will then, I suppose I'm practically there. If it's His will, it will or won't happen, and there's not a lot I can do about it, so I guess I'll just keep trudging along. I know in my heart this can't be what He wants from me, but I struggle with how to move from this position.

Many have suggested that if I want Bear or Bug to "get better," I need to pray believing that God will do it, perhaps suggesting that if I just had enough faith, I could change these circumstances. But who am I to say that this isn't exactly what God had in mind, that through these very circumstances, we would all become whom He had in mind for us to be. That's the rub of it. There seems to be a belief that God is like a genie in a bottle waiting to grant wishes if we only believe enough, if we only pray enough, or there is the other extreme which says there is no point in prayer because God will do what God will do, and we will be blessed by it either way.

How do I move to a point where I feel like I'm really conversing with a friend? Read your Bible more, April. Pray more, April. I know these wrote answers, but what does that really mean?

I can't be the only one who struggles with this. If you'd like to join me, I'm about to embark on a search for the meaning of prayer and my role in it.

Today, I started in Genesis looking at why people prayed. Here are few of the passages from the first three books of the Old Testament.

• For Healing (Genesis 20:7, 17-18, Numbers 12:13)
• For Deliverance (Genesis 32:9-12)
• To Remind God of His Promises (Genesis 32:9-12, Exodus 34:9)
• For Forgiveness (Exodus 32:31-34, 34:9)
• For Guidance (Exodus 33:13-17, 34:9)
• To Know God More (Exodus 33:13-17)

Then I spent time praying, pouring out my confusion and lack of understanding to my Heavenly Father.

I'm not done yet, and I plan to study and pray more as I go.

Gratitude

It occurred to me last night that I usually write on this blog when I am burdened by something, and they have taken on a bit of a negative outlook.  I really don't like that this is who I've let myself become. I used to be the one people asked, "Why are you always smiling?" Now it's more like, "Is everything okay?" This has to stop. It's not that I want to be fake, or that I'm going to gloss over everything, but when was the last time I talked about the good things in life?

Yesterday was a pretty good day for us. Bug woke up and had a shower first thing. She's a sensory seeker, so all that input starts her day off right. Bubba followed up with lots of Mommy cuddles, and Bear had a grin, rather than a scowl on her face when she joined us.

There was a little bit of a fight over breakfast, but it only lasted five minutes, not too bad.

Bug didn't look like she was feeling well, so she spent most of her morning, relaxing in bed.  Bear ended up throwing up right after breakfast, but J was with her and I didn't have to participate in the clean up. I just got to snuggle with her afterwards. Bubba was kind and caring as usual and helped his sisters throughout the day.

Lunch time brought more struggles from the one who is pushing so hard right now, and they lasted quite a bit longer, but Mama never lost her cool - victory.

With the weather coming in, we had some prep work that we needed to do last night, and the munchkins all watched The Incredibles together.  I only needed to ask if the movie needed to be stopped once, a record for our clan.

So, this is where I am today. I'm grateful for Bubba snuggles and the stories he tells at meals. I'm grateful that Bug wants to do everything Mama does. I'm grateful that Bear wants to climb all over me and smell my hair constantly. Today I am grateful.

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:27

What to Do

What do you do when your heart tells you one thing, your mind tells you another, and there's no definitive direction in The Word?

We got the call yesterday that Bug is slated for five doctor appointments at The Autism Center to see if we can get a more specific diagnosis. But what's the point? Are they going to tell us anything we don't already know. Are they going to show us something that four years of therapy hasn't tried? Does sticking a label on her file make day-to-day life any easier?

We have yet another new therapist, and life is hard for everyone right now.  She cannot handle having one more person try to direct her steps, and we are all paying for it in emotional upheaval. Is it worth this? How do you know the therapy will be worth it rather than the instrument that drives her heart further and further away?

Our hearts tell us firm discipline (guidance) and a whole lot of hugs is what she really needs, and we need to get all the doctors and therapists out of the picture. Oh, but our minds plague us. They remind us of the circumstances under which she came to be our daughter, circumstances that dealt with bio-parents not doing what the state felt needed to be done. Would that be us if we followed our hearts and did what we felt was right for our baby? Do we run the risk of losing her by trying to keep her heart at home?

We have no answers, only more questions. We want to be the parents our children need us to be, and I for one, am in such turmoil about just what that is that I am nearly paralyzed with the fear of doing it wrong.

I know that God  gave us these children, and that He felt we would be the best parents for them, and they the best kiddos for us, but how does that play out when the pressure from without is so strangling at times?

Would you pray with us? Would you pray that our hearts would be calm and our decisions would be wise?